Blah Blah Cafe, the Jean-Michel Jarre forum

[Livgivare]

I've had an easter that I will never forget I guess. I invited both my parents and my boyfriend to celabrate it with me here in Sundsvall and it went OK. But something got me thinking. I have always questioning my mother and my fathers way of communicate and the way they treat both themselves and each other, and how they treat me. And to say the least, I've had enough. My mother thinks that my father "hear" everything she says. And my father thinks that my mother "hear" what he thinks. And both end up being wrong. What is more strange is that they try to solve their problems by asking me who lives some 10 hours away or so by car to help them out.

My father thinks that my mother is unable to show respect. My mother thinks that my father is faking his disableness. They both think they are good at communicate with each other. They also think that they do everything that they are in power to do to help themselves out of the situation. I think they are so stuck at a bad situation and I don't know if I ever will be the right person to solve their problems.

But one thing is for sure, I have dropped much of my respect for my mother and some of the respect for my father. They have to work real hard until I can fully get the respect I should have for them back. And this is an important step for me. If I am to be a sucessfull woman in life I need to step down and stop feeling things that just eat every ounce of energy that I have in life. If something is making me tired and such. I need to step down from that and think on other stuffs instead.

Respect is worth nothing if it can be bought, gained (from lazyness) or earned without thankfullness.

This makes me feel so old. But the more I explore life the more happy I become and the more positive I feel about my own life. I even think about getting back all the great passion that I used to have for the things I really really like in life. So soon I will having a real hard time studying like a rabbit is making other rabbits, hehe...

Love Leelene

[Livgivare]

Just to tell you this thing too. This is just me rambling about my life again. If you feel like not replying and if you think that I sound crazy again or just out of my mind. Please let be be just that and please do not reply. Some of the things I write in this topic will just be me rambling. And From now on I will keep myself more tidy and as fast as I come up with a new thing that is a thought from me about things like this. I will post it in this topic and not in a new one.

Love Leelene

[Livgivare]

More on the personal level. Why can't I who are such a clever girl with my head almost 100% working stop complaining about things and stop draging the time out? Why can't I for once just get myself enough self-discipline so I get all the "boring" and "must-do" stuff done and then have a happy while dancing and singing and such. No I always take the fun things first and that makes me so angry. I start to sound like Dr. Phil when I ask myslef "What do I get out of this?" and the only answer is "I suffer from good girl symtoms and when I tried to do something when I was younger I dever got any good words on the thing I did from mother and father so I do not know how to reward myself at all"

Why oh why are parents such a pain in the ass. I hate they way they tried their best with me. And all they ever did was to learn me how to help them but not me. And how I always got bad conscience by not helping them instead of getting on with me. This started at a young age so I never knew anything else I suppose. I so hate it, I feel almost mentally abused when thinking of it.

Love Leelene

PS: posted this in the topic "What teases you" and I post it here as well!

[GeeJee]

Seems like you need to take some distance from your parents. You're not feeling mentally well, and they are having a very negative effect on that as well, asking things you can't offer without being supportive and such. Did you go to see a psychologist?

[Livgivare]

Seems like you need to take some distance from your parents. You're not feeling mentally well, and they are having a very negative effect on that as well, asking things you can't offer without being supportive and such. Did you go to see a psychologist?

I am seing a psychologist and she is helping me. And I really do need distance from my parents. I will never live up to their ideas of what a good daughter shall or shall not do to help her parents. I feel sick all the time when I think about them. I cant seem to feel anything for my mother at this point. She is just like someone on the TV that is having something to say. And I give that person a bit of respect for the things she is able to do (like play the violin and be able to speak some Finnish) but otherwise I feel nothing, not even love towards her anymore. My father I feel sorry for, but I start to loose interest in his life too, it is too much trouble with my mother, and that my mother never listen to my father. It is really really hard to be the single daughter and only child.

All I want to do is scream: LEAVE ME ALONE AND NEVER ASK FOR HELP, BECAUSE ALL YOU EVER DO IS WANT ME TO FEEL SMALL AND LIKE SHIT.

But how do you do that on a kind but firm level so that the parents will know that they have to earn the respect all over again after some serious efford of helping each other out?

If I would not have this preassure on me I would be so much more disciplined in my studies and the rest of the life.

Maybe I should create a life where I am so busy with everything that all the time that my mother and father calls me on the phone they hear that I am busy and don't have time to help them.

But I am not sure. All I know is that I almost can't stop hating my mother for the things she has done and still do!

Love Leelene

[Livgivare]

Happy post by me: My parents have not asked me for help in feilds I could not help with and would not like to help out with in two or more weeks now. I feel so much more happier. And once my dad asked for help, but that was in a positive way with the help to get my mother a good birthday as it is her birthday today. I feel like I might have done the right thing!

Love Leelene